I was shopping at a wet market in Singapore, when my 3-year-old son Ishaan, pointed towards something and said “Mama, can I buy this please?” he was holding a long stick with a loop at an end. He had found it next to the cashier, at a very prominent place for a fresh vegetable shop. Well, I was not surprised as he loved sticks and we had a big collection of different types of sticks we had picked up on our trails. But this one looked a bit different, and I was wondering as to why would anyone buy it? So, I asked the shopkeeper “What is this for?” he raised his eyebrows and replied in a very casual tone, “Oh it’s a cane, you must buy it lah, good for you, it costs only 2$ and your kids will always listen to you!!” I was shocked. Using a cane to discipline kids is unimaginable for me but it was NO big deal for him!

Having lived in Singapore with my husband and son for 5 years now, I had heard many stories about the strict levels of discipline followed in most of the local schools.  I was a bit taken aback when I met a few Tiger Moms and found out about their parenting style. But it was the first time I was holding a cane in my hand; and somehow it sent shivers down my spine and at the same time, numerous questions popped up in my mind. Do strict regimens and harsh punishments affect the kids in a negative way? Is it ok to use ‘fear’ as a ‘weapon’ to get the kids to complete their chores on time? I mean I know it works very well and is the easiest thing to do, but would it make the kids anxious, scared or even lead to self-doubt or in extreme cases depression?  I just kept the cane back in its place and rushed home with Ishaan, without answering any of his questions. I need to take some time out for myself to read and to ponder on this.

Culturally parents of Asian origin, be it Indian or Chinese, do believe in setting higher goals for their children – especially academic ones. Their parenting style does focus on developing good work habits and a strong base. Parents are not only involved but sometimes become very controlling and interfering in kids’ activity big or small. Smacking or corporal punishments are a norm. Their intensity may vary from family to family, but they are widely accepted by Asians. Being an Indian and a student of science, in my mind I always associate it with or even justify it by drawing parallels with the Newton’s 1^st law – every object will remain at rest or move at a constant speed unless acted upon an external force!! And in parenting world that external force is the pressure that parents need to apply. Of course, the intention is pure, to get the kids ready for the future and instil good habits, good discipline.

But over the years, there has been a shift in the Asian parenting styles. Parents are now being open to the concept of conscious parenting and the fact that they must cope with the kids instead of it being the other way round. The kids who would listen to you without asking question, without applying mind are no more produced. This is the Gen Z. They are born adults and expect to be treated the same way. Words like ‘Suggestion, Will you consider, think about it’… are now used while talking to kids rather than ‘you must do it, you should listen to me, do as I say’ etc. So, I don’t see canes getting such a prominent place in any shop in the near future.  In fact, I feel we as parents, will be enrolling for courses on how to bring up kids! Like its said, Child is the father of Man, kids are already training us to be Good Parents!

I believe parenting is no longer a tick box thing and, if your kids listen to you, you are a good parent kind of equation.  It is much evolved and tough for parents to do their job of nurturing kids and it puts immense pressure on them. The traditional way of parenting is no more applicable for today’s generation, and I am sure every generation said the same thing! And so, it’s my turn 😉

By Himani and Kalyani - Hosts of Partners in upbringing Podcast - Part of the Global Indian Series

Show some love - and let us know your thoughts in the comment section

 

-------------------------------

Support change: A little favour to ask-We believe true freedom is to be able to act without fear or favour and that identity is not a “brand” to be abused, politicized, or reduced for personal gain. As Global Indians, the need to work together is greater now than ever before.  If we want to see real change, we need to create a better society for all, tackle injustice and plunge into the many aspects of what the human experience truly offers.The Global Indian Series has been built to be a platform of integrity, fairness and to remain fiercely independent of political influence. We are the first in the world to connect with every echelon of society with all human voices being treated equally.  We are the first to have travelled physically to locations far and wide, often putting our own lives on the line to bring forward stories that deserve to be told.  Whether it’s through our Podcast that delves into the human experience behind identity, our articles and features that cover key events we need to know, or live based events that tackle topical discussions, we have been there to support a better community and planet.Despite the high costs and time needed to maintain our work, we continue, because we know our work has helped more people understand what is happening within the communities across our planet, why it matters, and how, together, we can demand progress.  We challenge head-on, the silent divisions that have crept into our collective consciousness and how to tackle key issues that often go neglected in mainstream media.How you can help:Please share our work: By collaborating with others who share our values, our combined voices make change, with many more becoming inspired to take meaningful action.Subscribe to the platform:Many from across our community have decided to subscribe to our platform. It helps us grow which in turns attracts like-minded supporters. If you have not already, we would appreciate you subscribing to our newsletters and following our social media accounts. It is free and supports our journey.